20/20

This just shows how pathetic I am. What greater torture is there for me then just to sit at home in boredom? I just sit back and wait and read. Everyone seems to be going on with there lives. Farther and farther away they go, Im just sitting here. But how do I ‘move’ so to speak? How do I know I will not pick up and leave. I really regret where I have taken myself. Hindsight is always 20/20 for the most part, something that GOD I assume foresaw and programed into man to sway him to make better choices in life. That’s something I am never good at. It’s the old, I know what to do situation. I have been sitting in a bit of sorrow as of late. Not so much that I am bored but what I never did. There are some people I would like to have whiteness’d to in Dugway, people I would have loved to consul, people I would have loved to include in my life. But I let it slip by. Again 20/20. I guess the video game effect is in me. I realized I screwed up and now I wanna hit the ‘restart button’. I got what I always wanted I suppose. To be alone and to do nothing but read and study. But what good is it to know everything but have no one to share it with? The closest thing I had to that was Zac and Tyler. They would sit threw and listen for the most part. But I let that pass. It’s becoming a longing inside me to do it over. I read and watch to much science fiction. I just want it all to be a dream and restart.

I have prayed for this twice. In Alabama I wanted to leave. I got what I wanted. In Utah I wanted to leave I got what I wanted again. Each time the end result is worse. Now I am stuck in a cold fallen city. So close to my desired location, but still far enough. I have felt really guilty as well. I have let my spiritual life stagnate. It started when I got what I wanted. I began teaching Sunday school. I remember having great biblical studies with Zac. Deep conversations. Something changed in us, something I don’t think was really for the better. I can’t speak for Zac. But I think he has grown more arrogant and unwilling to change. But maybe he has always been like that. But we had a thirst before. I blew it and theres nothing much more to be said on it. Now I am in a forsaken place. People just don’t care for anything out here. Just give them there gas and beer and leave them alone. Or maybe there is more to them there the stereotype we give them? Maybe it’s me. Maybe I am the thing I have hated the most. Not so much a racist but something near that. Having a idea of someone. Guilty before proven innocent. I am just so insecure about myself. I feel very flimsy. And now I am gray. Everything I can be, I am not. I got what I wanted and realized that what I had was better then now. I pray the LORD will use me and revive me. Perhaps the LORD has given me a new opportunity to fast. My mother and father have been warning me that I am to stimulated with information. Maybe I just need a hard reboot. Shut it all down and let the LORD refresh my soul.